Parenting Isn’t Easy

How many times have you felt like a failure as a mother because of something your child did that was out of character according to how you raised them?

We raise our children to the best of our ability.  I’m sure that you parent your children the way that you were parented.  I know that I do!

There are familiar sayings that I use that my parents used with me.  When I say it, I am instantly reminded of where and when I heard it.

First, as parents we want the best for our children and try to raise them to be and do their best.  We take them to church and keep them involved in church activities, enroll them in other extra-curricular activities, and give them material things that they don’t need.

We allow foolishness that was never allowed when we were growing up.  In other words, we spoil our children.

On the other hand, you might be a parent that had to fend for yourself as a child.  You had to take responsibility for yourself and your siblings.  Therefore, you did not have an example to follow so that you would know how to parent when the time came.

Now you find yourself in a whirlwind of chaos with children that you gave birth to and you feel helpless.  You feel like you’ve failed them.  I’m here to tell you that you ARE NOT a failure! You HAVE NOT failed them!  You have been learning to parent as you go and that’s okay.  So, maybe you’ve made a few parenting mistakes here and there, but who hasn’t.

Guilt and Shame

Let me tell you for about 2 years I allowed guilt and shame to control my thoughts and feelings towards myself.  I felt like a failure because one of my boys didn’t take the path that I thought he should.

It was his senior year in high school and a transformation started taking place.  It wasn’t a good transformation at all.  Suddenly, he lost all motivation, determination, and the will to graduation.  Well, that’s the way I felt.

He was all lined up to graduate.  Everything was going perfectly.  His teachers loved him and talked about how mannerable he was.  I was ecstatic that he was going to graduate and join the U.S. Air Force.  He’d been in ROTC since he was a freshman.

Suddenly, his grades began dropping.  I started getting calls about him not being in class.  I would ask him what was going on and he was nonchalant about everything.  The answers that he gave didn’t make sense at all.

I was emailing teachers left and right.  His grades weren’t getting any better and he had already missed so many days in one of his classes that there was no way he could make it up.  He was not going to graduate.  I was LIVID!

I met with a team of administrators along with his teachers to see what could be done.  Evening school was his only option and he couldn’t miss any days.  He had to make up all of his missing work during evening school.

He did it! It was a close call, but he did it.  He graduated and I was so happy! Then it was time to get him to a recruiter and send him on his way.  But of course, it didn’t happen the way I wanted it to.

What We Want

After he took the ASVAB multiple times, (that he never studied for) I realized that he was intentionally failing.  I’m not sure if your kids do this, but he would agree with me and say whatever he thought I wanted to hear.  First of all, he knew that the military had been our plan for years, however he had a change of heart and never told us.

Months went by and he just seemed lost.  We would talk to him about taking other avenues to which he agreed to take. But yet again, it was what we wanted him to do and now what he wanted.  You see the thing is, he had no idea what he wanted to do.  He was still trying to find himself.

I was disappointed, angry, hurt, and felt that I failed him as a mother.  I began to pray for him even more and kept reminiscing about the past years, while trying to figure out where I went wrong.  Was there something that I did or didn’t do that caused him to choose a different path other than the path we talked about for the past four years?

Aha Moment

It wasn’t until a counseling session that I got the answer needed and was finally able to stop blaming myself for the path that he chose while reminding myself that I didn’t have it all together when I graduated high school.  Always knowing what I wanted to do, my mom had her own path planned for me which didn’t turn out so well.  Blaming myself was the wrong thing to do.  It wasn’t my fault at all!

I was given a homework assignment called “Clarifying Responsibility.”  I learned that there are things in my life that I am concerned about, but are not my responsibility.  The only things that are my responsibilities have been ordained by God.

My pride and the perfectionists in me, was concerned about what others would think.  I was already being questioned about what his plans were and what he was doing.  My mind immediately began thinking negatively.  I thought to myself, “I’m not a good mother.  What did I do wrong? There it was again, the perfectionist in me rearing its ugly head.  If you haven’t read that blog post, you most definitely should.  We just might have several things in common. I too, am a perfectionist!

Trust God

Yes,finally able to be at peace with the situation.  I realized that this was one of those times that I needed to trust God!  There will be situations in our lives that we cannot control.  We have no power over the outcome.

The next time a problem arises, ask yourself, “Is this a concern of mine or is this a responsibility ordained by God?  Every issue that comes your way is not meant to be handled by you.  Please take note of the difference.

Maybe there are problems that your adult son/daughter is having.  But, it’s not your fault!  Remind yourself that, it’s okay for you to be concerned, but their current problem is not your responsibility.  Trust God! Trust the process!

As mothers, our plates are pretty full.  And everyday life can be quite overwhelming at times.  But from this day forward, use the “clarifying responsibility” approach when you feel that things are out of control.  It will give you a brand new outlook on things and you will no longer blame yourself for the things that your children do.